Looks Like Last Night Was The Wrong Night To Stop Sniffing Glue

I had every intention of taking notes during last night's debate so I could make sure I didn't forget any of the poignant points, the profound pronouncements or the passionate pitches from the candidates as they each begged for my vote and described how they were going to turn this country around.

I didn't get very far. For the first 40 minutes I sat numb, dumbfounded, confused, and eventually distraught. My fingers could barely move. I couldn’t blink. I drooled down my shirt and lost all bladder control. My dinner was making it's way out of my stomach and into my throat. The dog had long since disappeared.

But as best I could I wrestled through, and could get down only the following:

Obama stays above the fray. Otherwise, this "debate" goes down in history as one of the most pathetic examples of idiot journalism and punditry.

George, Charlie and Hillary can't get enough in of irrelevant, nonsubstantive issues such as wearing a flag pin, disowning statements of a preacher or actions of a neighbor.

Each salvo of issue distracting crap slung at Obama was slapped back with consisent reminders that such questions were senseless, obtuse, and even below the likes of the New York Post or Wall Street Journal Editorial page.

I eventually had to stop watching, or at least paying attention, and focused all my remaining faculties on trying to redesign this site and taking the recycling out.

Then I realized that I hadn’t blinked in over an hour. I noticed a strange smell coming up from the couch cushions. My nose was bleeding. For some reason my socks were wet. We still couldn't find the dog anywhere.

Finally, after the paralyzing shock had subsided and my cat stopped eating my regurgitated dinner off the floor, my wife and I embraced, holding each other as we both trembled in fear that what we just witnessed was actually real and not some horrific nightmare. We begged for a nightmare, any other alternate reality, even one where Bill O'Reilly becomes the Minister of Information, Sean Hannity, the Director of Mind Control, and Hillary Clinton the Master Propagandizer and Purveyor of Irrelevancy.

No, what we experienced by watching the debate was worse. The debate was real. Yes, George Stephanopolous really did ask Obama if Reverend Wright loved America more than him.

This morning I had every intention of finalizing my opinions of the debate. But after reading the dozens of other blistering critiques describing the event as "embarrasing," "a new low," "idiot," "miserable," "shameful," and, well, you get it, I decided that it was best to just let this one go.